Notes To Neverland

get married to a wonderful MAN

have beautiful children

work a wonderful job (or be able to be a stay at home mom)

and learn through every experience. 

This is all I want. Wishing on my star for it to happen soon. 

Dear Neverland,

Worrying worrying worrying. 

That’s how summers seem to always go. 

Grad schools, GREs, decisions, OH MY. 

Where will the road take me? 

Someone explain this to me.

It’s MARCH.

70-80 degrees. 

THE HEAT IS STILL BLASTING IN MY BUILDING!!!

Winter straight to Summer.

Nasty E-mails have been sent and many phone call have been made. 

About to get an air conditioning unit for my room (which is illegal on campus), or buy a tent, or get a hotel room. 

THIS SHIT IS RIDICULOUS! I don’t think anyone can understand how PISSED OFF I AM

No motivation to write this paper. 

Wish I could have been home for you, Sam.

Rest in Peace. 

The world is definitely missing one young, funny guy right now. 

Really not a fan of myself lately. 

I thought nothing could ruin this day.

Thought things would be perfect. 

Sucks that I though you would have tried to make it special. 

This is over. 

Thanks for not exceeding my expectations and proving to me that nothing has changed.

You’re still spiraling down the drain.

I forfeit.

Dear Neverland,

I’ve been wishing on the second star to the right for the answers. Definitely wishing I had the feelings of a new relationship. Remember that? Remember how things were so new that everything felt so perfect? Remember how just the memory of the “firsts” happening made butterflies… no, pterodactyls briskly flap their wings in your stomach?  Remember how your partner never forgot a thing? Remember how communication was perfect? Remember all the getting to know you questions? 

Why does any of that ever have to change? 

If I could do things over, I’d have asked one question every day to get to know you. I would have let information about myself dribble out instead of spill. I would make sure that this was the right thing to do. I might not have let myself fall so hard and so deep. 

How can you wonder this far into a relationship if this is a waste of time? Why do I find myself wondering what opportunities would have come along without you? Who would I be with now if I wasn’t putting so much effort into this relationship? Where would my life be right now if you never happened? 

Sometimes, I just wish I was one of the pretty girl who all of the guys went head over heels for just by looking at them. Sure I’d rather someone like me for my personality and the amount of love I have to give and how badly I want to  have a family and be the best mother and wife in the whole world. I just want someone who thinks I am sunrise in the morning and the sunset at night; the reason they wake up and the most comforting thing when they sleep; the only thing they think about in the morning and the image on their eyelids when they lay their head to rest. 

I want someone who loves me with everything they have to offer, 100%, no games, just heart, unconditional. But right now, I don’t have that. I keep hoping it will change but at this point I don’t think it will…

But if I end this, if I really admit to myself that this was a waste of time… what if I never find anyone else? What if I don’t ever get to be a mom? Or what if I marry too late and I can’t have kids? I have a plan. I really do have a plan. I wish it would just all fall into place. 

I get jealous of the girls who can have their pick of anyone. I don’t get that luxury because of how I look. I am not what society wants. I wish I was because then I could have my cake and eat it too. I’m ready to move on and be head of heels in love in the best way possible. 

So where does this leave me? Confused, hurt, sad, and overal just a mess. Wendy desperately wishes that the star would just point her in the right direction and let her know everything is going to be perfectly spectacular. 

Bring it on, life. Bring. It. On.

Wendy

Dear Neverland,

Today started off so well. Then it went downhill. Someone made me sad a few months ago and it has been on my mind. I brought it up today. Now that person is sad also. It hurts. I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back. 

Tearfully yours,

Wendy

Dear Neverland,

Today I just want to punch people.

Sorry, world.

-Wendy